I am lying in bed at 01:13, unable to sleep with my strange brain flying over a number of different subjects and finding ways to amuse the dark gremlin that controls my sense of humour. The plan came to me almost fully formed, well at least it seems that way in the middle of the night. I would create a lecture/seminar on seduction and provide very little else in the way of information. I would hope that a large number of people would attend the seminar, but also that there would be enough controversy surrounding it that it was on the verge of being shut down.
The reason behind this would be two fold. One, it would show the people that are too easily offended and want to protest everything that it is important to listen to what people say before you judge what you think it is they are saying, something that does not occur enough in these social media driven days. Secondly it would be a chance to end something that has bothered me since I was around 21 years old.
At that time I was working in a call centre, not the greatest job but I loved the people on my team and we had a great time together, usually drinking at the weekends as you do when you are that age, or any age recently when you live in Newcastle. One of the team was older, around 30, but looked the same age as us, and in fact looks the same ten years later as he did then. He came to me one day and started discussing a great deal of gibberish that I could not understand. As I later found out he had been reading books on seduction and though that I had read them as well as a result of the way I acted and existed in general. Or to put it more simply, my actions and personality.
The book that he had read was Neil Strauss’s ‘The Game’ and the other books that had been mentioned within it. I hadn’t read the book at the time but he did let me borrow it after this conversation as he thought it would be interesting to me. I have read it at least once a year since, but not for the same reasons as he did. Neil Strauss is an incredible writer who has written one of my favourite books (The Dirt, the motley crue biography) and he has a way of capturing a subject and bringing to life on the page in a way that few others have managed and his books are incredibly honest and engaging as a result. What I found with ‘The Game’ is not a manual or an inspiration to go out and attempt to seduce women into having sex with me but a critique of a mostly broken set of individuals who, as a result of extremely low self confidence, begin to break down and become obsessed with the dynamics of human interaction to the point where it is not possible to have a distinct personality but rather have everything considered as a learned technique. It is the greatest work of dystopia I have ever read, yet no one else seems to see it that way.
There is something we are shown in films, that love and attraction are rare to the point that the finding of someone that you can connect with and fall in love with is seen as an almost magical occurrence. Of course in the more romantic of writings you can describe the feelings that arise and the strength of them in this way, however in modern media it is not the feelings themselves that are represented, it is very difficult to convey the level of feelings you have for another person if you are just acting, but rather the act of finding them that is shown as special. As a result we have a generation of people who are isolated. Social media plays into this as well, how often have you seen people at the same table texting instead of having a human conversation, it is a worrying trend.
The dirty secret of seduction, and what they wont tell you in these books and seminars that they run, is that anyone can do it. Look around at any couple you see, judge them horribly. You will see the most boring characters you have ever known, happy and in love. They have found someone, why haven’t you? The answer is simple. They have found who they are and are comfortable with it. There is nothing more that is required in seduction.
Books like ‘The Game’ show the success of men going up to women and talking to them and, with a certain set of rehearsed lines, getting them to have sex with them. This is not a special or impressive feat. Consider how often you see someone across a bar room that you find attractive, and then consider how often you go and speak to that person. The answer is usually rarely. If there is no conversation then there is no seduction. They may have rehearsed their lines, but that just means they have confidence in what they are about to say. Guess what, if you know who you are then you will have a confidence about you that people will find attractive.
What won’t be pointed out to you very often in a civilisation that requires conformity in order to keep people in line and producing is that there is no such thing as ‘normal’. There are only the societally approved behaviours and fashions that are publicised. You may be incredibly athletic, tall and good looking. This makes you an outlier, there are not many people like you and this makes you attractive. You may not be athletic; you may be great with figures, computers, art, anything else. There is something about every person that makes them stand out. We are a society of outliers, people who are different, who are all told what they should be and, as women have complained for many years regarding advertising, made to feel inadequate in a sinister attempt to get them to conform to certain societal norms. Personally I am cynical, I have a pitch-black sense of humour and I tend towards impish mischievousness, I also find it impossible to resist attending any function that has a free bar. It does not fit with the standard model of what someone would want in a partner, but there are people who find that interesting and attractive. There are of course other features to my personality, but how often do you look at yourself as a whole, instead of just focusing on the more ‘negative’ that is ‘further from the desired norm’ aspects of your personality?
If love is what you want then being yourself is the best way to get it, getting frustrated and negative about life will only hinder your chances of meeting anyone worthwhile. If you want to have sex with someone, that is simple too, there are people out there that will be attracted to you no matter what you look like. I would describe myself as being very different from the norm because I need to find a person interesting rather than simply physically attractive before I feel attracted to them. In that way I know that I have been attracted to people who do not necessarily fit the description of ‘traditionally beautiful’. You cant tell me that there are not others like me out there.
In a world where everything can be sold to you, whether it is sex appeal, confidence, freedom or emancipation from ‘traditional gender roles’ love is just another commodity, sex is just another commodity and with the right clothes, perfume, hair cut, accessories, you can have them. Honestly it is time we started looking inwards as a society to find what actually means the most to us. To find out what we need, otherwise the separation from each other will get wider, the despondency of those who view themselves as ‘different’ will grow and the confidence of all but the Hollywood ideal will diminish to heart breaking levels.
I can’t fall in love with everyone. I would if I could but there simply isn’t time. What I can say is that there are plenty of people out there that are waiting for the chance to. There is more to me than what I stated above, I am also a mix of shy and outgoing, confident and reclusive, hyperactive and capable of deep thought, and yet I am in love with someone. I did not know them before I met them, and I would have missed out on something spectacular if we had not started talking.
The message is simple; if you put yourself out there you will find happiness. First you must look inside yourself and find out who you are, not what anyone else tells you, whether it be television, advertising, films, music or indeed friends. You are the only one who knows you and what you actually want. It would be a shame to hide away, and if your confidence is so low that you can’t bring yourself to talk to that person think about how they feel, they might be just as nervous hoping you will talk to them. You never know until you go over there.